Happiness is not the goal
Stop striving to be happy.
I say this with well-meaning intent.
We all get a little caught up in ‘destination happy’ and in doing so, tend to forget that while the sentiment is lovely, it is just not practical.
Happiness is a fleeting endorphin filled experience resulting from various sources of positive stimuli, such as obtaining something of desire; be it goods or status. We have all been there. We know too well that familiar rush that comes from buying that thing, or by being promoted or acknowledged. However, it is unreasonable to expect that any person could maintain this state or emotion for a prolonged period of time. Yet, we seem to demand and expect it.
Being happy is by far the most common response when asked, “What do you want out of life?”
Why wouldn’t we want it? Happy is warm. It is wonderful. It is a positive hit to the brain that sprinkles life with all the pretty colours of the rainbow. So as you can see, I am not against happiness. Having said that, we do need to remind ourselves that happiness is fluffy. It is fleeting and should be considered as a baseline emotion that is built upon by something more.
“Humans may resemble many other creatures in their striving for happiness, but the quest for meaning is a key part of what makes us human, and uniquely so.” -Roy Baumeister et al. (2013)
Summary: Happiness is not the goal.
So if the goal is not happiness, then what is it?
The goal that surpasses happiness is contentment.
Before we delve any further, let us begin by way of definition.
To be content is…“Having one’s desire bound by what one has (though that may be less than one could have wished); not disturbed by the desire of anything more, or of anything different; satisfied so as not to repine.” – A dictionary somewhere
This means that in order to be content we must accept life, and allow more than happiness to contribute to it. Life is not meant to be composed solely of positive emotions, nor positive situations. Life emcompasses a variety of these, and they all contribute to our existence.
How do you embrace contentment?
This is by no means a definitive list. In fact, I may at a later stage come back and redefine or add to these. Having thought and read a lot about living a meaningful life for some time now, I feel like this list of 7 ways to embrace contentment is a good starting point.
1. Put your core values into practice
Think about the things that matter to you, the person you are, and the way you want to live your life. These values ground you, and provide you with a template for life. Once you know what matters most, begin to put them into practice. Content can be found in the doing.
2. Focus on your strengths
List the things that you do well by asking:
What stands out about you?
What traits do you have that you feel are your best?
What skills do you have?
Think about how you can utilise these strengths to compliment your life. We all have things about us that stand out. Identifying your strengths is the first step to realising the contribution that you add to the world.
3. Practice gratitude
The very act of acknowledging all the things that you can be thankful for helps develop a sense of contentment. Looking within is often a great place to start.
What is it about you that you are most grateful for?
Think also beyond yourself to those around you, then to the opportunities you have been given, and finally the things that you have. You will be pleasantly surprised at the list you develop, and come to realise that appreciation is bountiful.
4. Bring your attention to the now
Most of what causes a ‘disturbance in the force’ stem from thinking too far into the future, or deep within the past. While reflecting on the past can benefit you if you are looking to learn from previous choices or actions, staring too long at them will not get you anywhere. The same goes for debating about the future. You can become overwhelmed by the myriad of ‘what if’s’ and choices, which can stifle your progress.
Bring your attention to the now so that you can be mindful of the moments we often miss when we are gazing elsewhere.
5. Develop sustainable healthy habits
Choose one or two small habits that you can begin to incorporate into your life. Taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally is really important. It can set you up to take on challenges that inevitably will come your way.
6. Let go of expectations
We can often harbour a mindset of entitlement, and demand from the world around us a set of unattainable expectations. Projecting desired outcomes can often lead to disappointment and discontent. Realising that things might not work out exactly the way in which you had hoped or desired, does not mean that you are a failure, or that the person you placed that expectation on is letting you down intentionally.
By letting expectations go, you set yourself up for a more balanced view of life’s outcomes.
7. Minimise your life
You can take control of your life by being intentional about the things that exist in it. I minimised my life by starting with the stuff and then moving onto people. It is a cyclic process that enables you to remove anything that is cluttering your own journey.
The removal of things allows space for that which truly matters.
– Subtract to Add